


Deservedly So

by FunkyinFishnet



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Angst, F/M, Healing, Hurt/Comfort, Male-Female Friendship, Post-Break Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-17
Updated: 2015-02-17
Packaged: 2018-03-13 11:36:35
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,994
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3380078
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FunkyinFishnet/pseuds/FunkyinFishnet
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>After Rumplestiltskin is banished from Storybrooke, Killian pays Belle a visit and ruminates on heroes and villains, hearts and changes, and family.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Deservedly So

**Author's Note:**

> Set after episode 4x12 'Heroes And Villains.'

 

 

 

The bell over the door seemed to ring extremely loudly. Killian paused, then forcefully pushed his way past the door into Rumplestiltskin’s shop, though it was really Belle’s shop now, wasn’t it? Belle who had used the Dark One’s dagger, forcing him over the town boundary and away, Belle who was truly a lot stronger than she appeared. The Dark One was gone.

 

It was the first time that Killian had entered the shop unforced since before Rumplestiltskin had triumphantly torn out his heart. His stomach rolled as he looked around. Rumplestiltskin was gone but the memory of the power he’d maliciously wielded remained.

 

Killian’s hand shook. He forced it down onto a nearby counter until it stilled.

 

The Dark One was gone. Emma was fine. Killian had his heart back, he could feel it. He pressed a hand briefly to his chest, lost in the sensation and therefore not realising that he was no longer alone.

 

“Can I help you?”

 

Belle had emerged from the back. Her eyes were pained and her emotional fragility was obvious but she met Killian’s gaze, her entire attitude visibly determined. Killian found himself impressed, all over again. It had been several days since Belle had banished the Dark One and Killian doubted that had been long enough for her to deal with what had come to pass. Just as what had happened to many of Storybrooke’s residents would take time to fully heal – Emma had nearly lost her family all over again, Regina had lost her True Love.

 

Killian’s expression was more of a grimace than a smile, “I haven’t been in here since...I wanted to see if I could.”

 

Belle’s breath seemed to catch in her throat but she nodded. “You could.”

 

Killian’s smile was awkward, “Indeed and I’ve disturbed you so...”

 

He turned to leave – Rumplestiltskin’s shop, Belle’s presence – but before he reached the door, he forced himself to turn back. Once, Killian had attempted to cower and even hurt Belle, as doing so had meant hurting the Dark One but Belle had been cautiously friendly towards him afterwards. They had researched together during one of the many dangerous times Storybrooke had faced untold danger. Belle had decided to be alone with a man who had been keen to hurt her and more. Her strength was different to sword or pistol but it was no less impressive.

 

“I’m sorry,” Killian told her, quietly. “I hold nothing but contempt for the Crocodile but I know something of the pain you feel and I do not wish it on you.”

 

Milah had died in his arms, he’d had to say goodbye to Emma when she’d been sent to New York with new memories. He’d nearly lost her too many times to count. He would never regard Rumplestiltskin as anything other than a malevolent coward who had delighted in causing others pain and gaining power at all costs. But Henry cared for his grandfather and despite everything Bae had loved Rumplestiltskin so Killian could regret that that love was now gone. It wasn’t much but it was an ember or two. It was all the Crocodile deserved.

 

Belle’s expression wrinkled, “You’re sorry, Regina’s sorry. The only one who isn’t is...”

 

Belle seemed to swallow up her own words at that point and there was a very delicate fraught pause before Killian almost carefully broke it.

 

“He’s gone because he would have sacrificed Storybrooke and a few things I would have missed too.”

 

He said it like a thank-you, his hand lightly tapping against his own chest. Belle’s mouth turned and trembled before she spoke suddenly, almost in a rush.

 

“Would you? If you’d had the same power and opportunity, would you have done it?”

 

Wasn’t that the question? Killian thought for a moment before answering as he walked back towards the counter. He thought about who he’d been, what he’d been willing to do in order to gain revenge. Not long ago, Rumplestiltskin had delighted in showing Killian that that person was still very much present now. Killian’s hand trembled again; he clenched his fingers into a fist.

 

“I was once quite willing to do anything if it meant hurting and killing the one who’d taken my love,” he said at last. “For that opportunity, I would have sacrificed anyone.”

 

He’d been so full of ugly grief and fury; shades of it still lived on in him of course. Such things never faded completely. But it was not all he was now. A difference had grown in him; he was aware of that, Emma had commented on it. He liked to think that perhaps Bae had seen it too.

 

“You almost sacrificed yourself last week.”

 

Belle’s quiet voice brought Killian back. She was standing a little closer now, her expression still pained but genuine.

 

“The Dark One held my heart,” Killian agreed. “Better mine than a hero’s.”

 

_Better mine than one that mattered._

 

“You’re not a villain, Killian.”

 

Killian was surprised by her almost easy use of his name and her expression was still genuine. Even in her pain, she wanted others to feel good about themselves. The Dark One had never deserved her.

 

Killian raised his hook a little for emphasis, his stomach turning as he thought of how his own darkness had recently dominated him once more. “I’m no hero, love.”

 

“Neither is Regina but she’s not the Evil Queen either, not anymore. You both keep choosing different paths, ones that help people and don’t cause pain. That’s heroic.”

 

The Queen had changed; there was no doubt about that. She and Emma had even managed to become friends of a sort, as had the Queen and Snow White. While many in Storybrooke still held entirely understandable grudges, they had all seen Regina change. She had lost her love but she had not rained down frustrated vengeful pain on everyone. She, Emma and Henry had a plan apparently which Killian had been told he would soon hear about. It made him smile to think of how he might stride towards adventure at Emma's side. She was the Saviour so danger would always dog her footsteps but she had accepted that now and accepted her parents' place in her life. Not only that, she'd more than accepted Regina's role in it and Killian. She had accepted him too.

 

The Dark One hadn’t made such choices. He had had a loving wife, a grandson who had enjoyed his company and a town who had more or less accepted his presence, particularly once he’d married Belle. But he had still been unable to resist the lure of more deals and ultimately more power. Killian had immediately regretted what he had done for Rumplestiltskin which had indulged his own more violent urges but Rumplestiltskin hadn’t held any regrets for his own behaviour. The happy ending of love and family hadn’t been enough for him.

 

From Belle’s expression, she was thinking the same thing. Killian didn’t reach out to her, he didn’t have the right. But he didn’t leave either. Belle had somehow seen past Rumplestiltskin’s cruelty, perhaps she’d seen the man Milah had once loved too. She had tried everything to help the Dark One try a different path.

 

“It’s not your fault, Belle,” he said because after everything Rumplestiltskin had done to her, she shouldn’t bear the burden of his guilt as well. “Even if Bae had been here, I doubt the Dark One would have resisted such temptation.”

 

Belle’s expression twisted unhappily but she didn’t disagree. “He would have tried to take Neal away too.”

 

“And Henry. That was my enforced task; thankfully the boy was armed with some ingenious ways of preventing his own kidnapping.”

 

A smile flickered into place across Belle’s expression, then just as quickly disappeared. Killian eased away from the counter. He should leave, he remembered well how he had felt after Milah’s death, how Emma had reacted after Bae’s passing. Grief was an eternal wound but it was especially painful when fresh.

 

Still, he had something more to say, another choice to make. “Ruby was very insistent that I tell you she’s been baking and therefore urgently requires your expert opinion.”

 

Belle’s smile made a brief reappearance. Killian shook his head slightly, thinking of the man, the Crocodile who had decided to forsake all of this for power. Killian and Rumplestiltskin had both thought that the other didn’t deserve life or happiness. But Killian had stopped attempting to diminish what Rumplestiltskin loved and had even stopped trying to slay Rumplestiltskin because spending time with Emma, seeing her content, had become more important.

 

He had stopped seeing everyone else as disposable as he strove to complete his aims because Emma and Bae and Henry would have been furious if he’d torn anyone apart for their sakes. It was behaviour that had become his new normal. Regina had learned similar lessons, Rumplestiltskin had not.

 

“If you need assistance here, Henry is planning a visit,” he half-warned Belle.

 

Henry had been insistent because he’d been the one who’d knocked something down in the shop which had caused Belle to realise Rumplestiltskin’s many lies. Besides, Henry had pointed out; there could be something in the shop to help with Operation Mongoose – the name for his and Regina’s secret mission that they’d been working on diligently together for some time now. It was an intelligent idea; a lot of what happened in Storybrooke could be traced back to Rumplestiltskin’s shop.

 

Belle inclined her head in a wordless thank-you and Killian glanced at her for only a moment more before turning again to leave. He didn’t tell her that her heart would heal or that she’d find another to trust it with one day. Who was he to say such things? It’d taken him many years to find Emma, then more pained difficult time to realise how deeply he wanted her, to be part of her life. It’d been the same for Emma, he knew that much. Regina had suffered two broken hearts. So many of them carried heartbreak and loss though perhaps now for some it no longer defined them.

 

He didn’t voice that though because he knew something of Belle’s pain, because Rumplestiltskin was still alive and was likely plotting to find a way to hurt them all. That was probably causing some of the worry and pain that now clouded Belle’s expression. But like all of them, she had to know that she was not alone. The Charmings were incredibly determined about those they cared for, about anyone in Storybrooke in fact. They would help those who needed it, if they could. Because they were heroes and leaders, just as Emma was even if she didn’t always believe it.

 

Killian liked to think that he brought a certain pragmatism and a unique and useful perspective to the group of trusting optimistic heroes that he now found himself part of more often than not. It was not something Killian had sought – Emma had always been his primary focus beyond destroying the Crocodile – but now he could admit to himself that being part of such a group was not displeasing. Snow White and her Prince’s relentless optimism and their way of seeing the best in everyone and everything grated but he could see Emma’s determination in them and in Henry and much more besides. The Charmings didn’t like to give up, a trait he appreciated now more than ever.

 

The Charmings were also a family again, a fact that Emma had come to accept and even appreciate. Thinking of Liam, of Bae, still made Killian’s heart clench. He doubted that would ever cease. Emma affected him in a different but equally powerful manner, even when she wasn't literally holding his heart in her hands. It lifted at the mere thought of her.

 

Changes wrought indeed.

 

His heart was still nestled in his chest, was still beating as the bell over the shop door announced his exit.

 

_-the end_


End file.
